Dear Alice,
I am heterosexual, healthy, attractive, and very intelligent. I
have amazing orgasms from masturbation but I find it almost
impossible (although it happens occasionally) to have an orgasm
through oral sex or manual stimulation from my very caring and
supportive boyfriend of 9 months (or any other man I've ever been
with). At this point I am so full of resentment--against my
boyfriend for being able to derive pleasure from MY body; against
other women who can orgasm in ANY way other than through
masturbation; against men who view women as objects to be used for
their own physical gratification; against the social conditioning
that makes me feel so ashamed and humiliated when engaging in any
type of sexual activity; and particularly against myself for being
stupid enough to be affected by these influences and not just
enjoy what I logically know is a natural, healthy and (supposedly)
wonderful mutual act.
I suppose I have 2 questions: 1) how common is it for a woman
capable of having frequent and satisfying orgasms from
masturbation to feel no sexual pleasure from intercourse; and 2)
would seeing/speaking to a counselor on this subject really help
in any way? I am appalled by the thought of lying on a couch
discussing theories on my Electra-complex towards my father; my
inherent penis-envy; and whether I dream of cucumbers, bananas,
and other long cylindrical objects. (I'm not a big fan of Freud).
I'm pretty self-analytical and intelligent and have thought about
and considered at length probably everything that a counselor
could ever suggest--inability to orgasm because of fear of losing
control, looking foolish, being vulnerable, letting my physical
take over from my intellectual side, getting pregnant, etc. etc.
etc. I'm afraid I'll only get impatient and even more frustrated
than I am now for discussing very private and personal issues with
someone who knows nothing about me and thinks they have the
answers.
Do you think the Columbia counselors would help? What sort of
things might they say or suggest that could possibly be of use?
What other avenues, if any, do you suggest? I'm terrified of some
of the stereotypes associated with support groups (touchy-feely
"Men are Scum" gripe sessions between overweight housewives...); I
can't afford (and don't think it's worth) paying a psychiatrist
for 3 years; and I find it almost physically impossible to discuss
my body or sexuality in any specific details with my boyfriend (I
feel humiliated and physically sick and terribly unhappy when I do
so), so I resort to being totally detached and analytical about it
which reduces the whole thing to some sort of intellectual,
distant problem that seems to have no connection to ME. Anyway,
I'm rambling. If you have any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear
them.
--Freud Hater--
Dear Freud Hater,
You've made it clear that you can stimulate yourself sexually and
reach orgasm through masturbation. Maybe you need to physically
show your partner what you do when you masturbate, how you reach a
climax i.e. how you like to be touched, where pressure should be
applied etc. If discussing it makes you sick, why not try showing
him while you are intimately engaged in sexual activity? Some guys
like to watch a woman masturbate, and they can easily take the
hint and often are eager to try to please you the way you like it.
You also said that oral sex is an avenue for occasional orgasms.
Have you thought about exploring this angle further? Some women
never experience orgasm through vaginal intercourse, only through
masturbation or oral sex, so you are not alone.
Also, think about the patterns of how you make love. Do you do the
same things each time-- kissing, to body touching to intercourse?
Do you touch your partner the same way in the same places, and
does he touch you the same way out of habit? When people get
caught up in "performing" in a specific way sexually (even just by
believing that you should be having an orgasm each time you have
sex), it can lead to a psychological detachment from sex, where
one becomes more of a spectator than a participant. You seem to
already be good at that. Try thinking about what aspects of
lovemaking give you the greatest sense of intimacy and pleasure
and focus on them. It may be difficult, because even with a
willing and supportive partner such as you have, you may, as a
woman, feel a deep inhibition about asserting your sexuality
openly and proudly. And that is certainly what you'd be doing if
you proclaimed your erotic needs and wishes. It's also important
that you stop beating yourself up about this. That is one thing
that you definitely have control over, and once you stop berating
yourself, you'll have more time to focus on what the real problems
are and begin working on enhancing your sex life.
It is not clear to Alice if there was some childhood trauma in
your life that you're avoiding bringing up over the computer, but
that may be affecting your sexuality now. If there is something
that you might be ready to look at, try making an appointment at
Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) by calling x4-2468.
Alice recommends a female therapist, particularly one who has worked with
people in your situation.
Otherwise, all the therapists there are qualified to talk with
you. Not all therapists or counselors are psychotherapeutically
trained (a.k.a., Freudian). There are many other models of therapy,
and most of the professionals at CPS use a variety of modalities
depending upon the individual student.
- Alice
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No orgasm with partner
