Dear Searching for the Wild Clitoris,

Alice is delighted that you are searching for your girlfriend's clitoris, since that is her pleasure center, or "joy button." The clitoris is a hooded body part at the top of the genitals, above the urethra and below the pubic bone and hairline. Human sexuality and human anatomy texts often have photographs or diagrams of the vulva and its parts which you can both use as a map to find her clitoris (what a treasure hunt!). A health care provider can also show your girlfriend where her clitoris is.

Female anatomy can be pretty confusing since there is a lot going on "down there." Women, unfortunately, are not encouraged to look at their vulva and identify their many intricate, delicate, and powerful parts.

Your girlfriend needs to learn how to make her clitoris respond to stimulation, and, thus, spring to life. Then she can teach you what works for her.

You and your girlfriend can read questions in Alice's Sexuality archives, including No orgasms with boyfriend, No stimulation from intercourse, Women's orgasms, Easing orgasms for women, Difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasm, and Q&As about urine and female anatomy.

If nothing has changed after reading these Q&As and recommended books and practicing, then perhaps a referral to sex therapy would be your next step, especially if this is something that your girlfriend would like to change. If you are at Columbia, call Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) at x4-2468. Outside of Columbia, for a referral list of sex counselors and therapists who work with pre-orgasmic women or couples in your state, contact the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). This is something to follow up on only IF this is something that your girlfriend is interested in pursuing, and not otherwise.

The other thing to think about is what IS happening when you are with your girlfriend, rather than what ISN'T happening. Are you both feeling pleasure, valuing being together, each feeling cherished and special? Do you enjoy each other's caresses? Perhaps these are the things to focus on, not the orgasmic response. Men tend to measure their success as lovers based upon the strength, kind, and number of orgasms they produce in their partners. How about redefining sexuality in terms of pleasure? It may even expand your own.

Alice

Related Q&As

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