Dear Reader,

Think back to the day that you learned you have herpes. What were your reactions? How long did it take for you to accept herpes? Just as it may have been difficult for you at first, your girlfriend may be having a difficult time with the news.

Try to remember what helped you understand herpes and accept living with it. Did you read a particularly informative book? Join a support group? Talk to someone at a herpes or sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) hotline? Some of the same things that helped you work through your initial feelings might also help your girlfriend.

How much does your girlfriend know about herpes? A lack of knowledge and misinformation often contribute to a person's fear of the disease. Perhaps you can explain to her how the virus is transmitted, how it stays in the body, and also how having herpes has affected you. Ask her what questions she may have. If you don't know the answers, the two of you can try to find out together. The health sections of most bookstores will have books on herpes which you and your girlfriend may find helpful. Some other good resources are:

• National STD Hotline
  1.800.227.8922

• National Herpes Hotline
  919.361.8488

• Herpes Resource Center
  1.800.230.6039

If you're Columbia students, you can also talk to a health care provider at Health Services (call x4-2284 for an appointment). Or, you may want to speak with a counselor at Counseling and Psychological Services (x4-2468). Also, Alice knows of two really good pamphlets about herpes, which are available at Health Services, called "When your partner has herpes" and "Telling your partner about herpes," both published by the American Social Health Association. And, don't forget to search Alice's Sexual Health archives for more questions and answers on herpes. (In particular, Alice recommends that you read, How to tell partner about herpes?, in Alice's Relationships archives. Although you're not in the same boat as this reader, you may still find the answer valuable and informative.)

Risk of infection is probably another concern of your girlfriend's. Is she at risk of contracting the disease? If you had unprotected sex, this may be a very big issue for both of you to deal with. Alice read one woman's account of when her partner told her he had herpes. She said it wasn't the content of his message (she could deal with his having herpes), but the timing of delivery. In fact, she couldn't think of a worse time than after having had sex with someone to tell him/her that you have herpes.

If you haven't had sex together, or if you only had protected sex during times when you were not symptomatic, then you may want to bring up the topic of how you can work together to keep her risk low. It is not unusual for two people to have a satisfying sex life together when one person has herpes and prevent transmitting it to the other person. The key is to be open and honest. Come up with a plan that works for both of you that will keep the risk of transmission to a minimum.

Best of luck to you!

Alice

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