Dear Nice guy,

Whatever you do, don't stop being nice! Just knowing that you're out there treating people right makes Alice's hard drive hum with hope and inspiration. Being yourself may not have yielded a girlfriend, yet, but genuinely nice guys and gals (and you know who you are) develop their self-esteem, their integrity, their spirits, and their souls in ways that will keep them coming in first for a long time. Of course, we want companionship for validation and love and much more, but since we determine in what place we finish, can't that place also be first?

So, why do so many of us chase after those who treat us wrong? Some counselors might say it's because we don't respect ourselves enough — we don't feel deserving of Mr./Ms. Niceperson and are either blind to being treated badly, or are willing to take it as the price paid for not being so great ourselves. Many women in many cultures "take it" all the time because sociocultural training and expectations don't support women who assert themselves to men. In a strange way, pursuing and sticking with the not-so-nice partners can validate a belief held by some that they will never be in a successful relationship. Could these thoughts and actions also trickle down from parents who modeled similar behaviors? The list of possibilities goes on and can include fears about getting too close or too intimate with someone; in theory, it's easier to do this with nice guys. And let's not forget that some like the challenge of "winning" a partner's attention and affection, and overvalue even the little successes that in total rarely add up to the healthy, whole relationships that we desire and deserve.

Well, now that we've done some armchair psychoanalysis, maybe you feel that you've got a little more than squat — even if it's not holding your hand and kissing you goodnight. If you still believe that nice guys finish last, okay, but hopefully they're more likely to finish feeling good.

Alice