Dear Touched by a finger...,

Soreness and/or pain from insertive/penetrative sexual activity can happen for a variety of reasons and can happen to anyone. Discomfort can be caused by:

• penetration for the first time, that hasn't happened in a while, is too quick and/or vigorous, and/or goes on for too long or continues until the skin gets abraded
• insertion of finger(s), penis, or an object that exceeds the comfortable stretch of the vagina or anus being penetrated
• not being sufficiently aroused
• dry or irritated vagina (or anus — it needs lube since it doesn't produce any, unlike the vagina, which may need additional lube)
• lack of or unclear communication between partners: Letting your partner know how and/or what you're feeling is useful information for him to know. For example, "Yes, that feels good, stay there." Or, when you're starting to feel some discomfort, ask your partner, "Could you go a little slower, please?" "Can we use a little lube?" Or, similarly, your partner asking you, "How does this feel?" "Is this okay with you?"

Since you're a virgin and a woman, you may be feeling discomfort from your hymen.

If penetration with fingers is uncomfortable, you can add water-based lube, wait until you're more aroused, and/or tell your boyfriend to slow down or stop! It's difficult, at first, to be open when being intimate, but it's necessary to tell him this so that he can learn how to pleasure you. He probably would want to know if his touch is causing soreness or pain. If you become sore or feel pain, you need to say, "Ouch, that hurts," or "Stop!" and your partner will know to stop.

To increase comfort with penetration, your boyfriend can start off with one lubed finger, inserting it gently and slowly. Once you feel comfortable, speed and/or intensity can be increased gradually, or not at all, and/or another finger or two can be added. Talking with one another throughout can help pave the way for a more comfortable and more pleasurable experience for both of you. For instance, "Is this okay?" "Are you ready for a little more?" Having enough down time to "recover" between sessions can be helpful as well.

In a woman, orgasms happen when the clitoris is touched in arousing ways, not necessarily through penetration alone. Hopefully, you are having orgasms by touching yourself or by your partner(s) touching you. If you're not orgasming at all, read the Related Q&As listed below. But faking, rather than telling your partner the truth, helps no one.

If soreness or discomfort from penetration continues, see your own gynecologist or women's health care provider, who can check you physically to determine or rule out other causes.

One last thing: not enjoying your first penetrative experience does not necessarily mean you will not enjoy your next, including first sexual intercourse when you are ready. With time, practice, and increased familiarity with your partner, and his increased knowledge of you, you'll both learn when your body is fully aroused and ready for penetration and pleasure.

Alice

Related Q&As

Painful intercourse

Normal first intercourse reactions

Disappointing first time

Can virgins have orgasms?

Trying to decide when to have first intercourse

Sore sex?

Painful sex

First intercourse: Minimizing pain and maximizing pleasure